On Christmas Day... write about yourself. Whatever mood you feel today write about it and how you are today. Don't dwell on the past or look ahead to the future. Write about just today, right now. That's really all we have, the past is over and the future is out of our reach.

Tomorrow the birthday hits the fan though. Has anyone ever wanted to be 44? It just sounds old. Repetitive too. 42 wasn't so bad. For a year I was the answer to life, the universe and everything. 44 is just a waste of space. Like a stutter. Not that I'm willing to skip it and rush into 45 though. Now that I think about it... 44 isn't all bad.

I'm itchy and yucky feeling. My throat is sore, even ice cream didn't help beyond a slight freezing for a few seconds. I have a Christmas tree pulled upstairs to put up and I have people over-running the house who don't fit into friends or family, not for me anyway. I'm sick of renovations that drag on for years. I'm fed up with worrying about money when the bills don't reflect reality, at least not mine. And I'm cold too. We have already gotten a few feet of snow outside. I should write something more interesting but I just feel too yucky.

What if you could never go home again? How eerie would it feel to know everything was just as you left it, no great disaster, but you could never get there to sleep in your own bed, check email on your computer or just make a hot drink in your favourite cup. Like seeing your home through the glass of a snowglobe but never being able to get inside to live in that world again. What words would you use to describe that feeling?

I feel like I'm not quite living on the planet along with everyone else these days. I'm daydreaming more cause they are such simple things. Instant pleasure, no complications and completely under my own control. (I can do all kinds of things with Keanu and he is quite happy about it all).

In reality... I have bills stacking up (I don't owe anything as of this month but next month they will all slide together and start attacking me). I don't have any income. Which is really bothering me as far as that whole bill paying thing.

Can you believe a Keanu Reeves movie just came on?.. Sure I'm watching the Space Station, have been most of the night. But what an odd coincidence. He always has good timing in my daydreams too.

Anyway, back to reality. I have the option (if I can figure it out) to retrain and have the course paid for. I have to figure out where the course I want to take is and how long I can manage to go back to school. Not just time and money but the fact of being back at school when I'm about to turn 44.

There's another little dose of reality, 44. Not just a double digit but repeating itself. Would be ok if it were 33, that doesn't seem so bad. I can't hide from my birthday now that it is nearly December.

I really don't like job hunting. But, there isn't another way to get another job. I really don't know how I can do another customer service job. I'm so burnt out on all of that. Just makes me cringe to think about doing all that again for another company, another location and through the Barrie winter too. Bus rides are just not that popular when the snow is up past your knees and the bus routes tend to get shut down each time it snows really hard.

In general I'm dreading having to make all these decisions. Still have the excuse of gathering the facts. But that can't go on for much longer.

Whatever happens will happen though and I will be here to see it. Sometimes you can pretend you are just on the sidelines to your own life and look at it with the nice shiny rose coloured glasses. Makes it a lot easier and saves you extra stress. I do that a lot. Keanu doesn't mind.