Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Saturday May 31, 2003  

"So, why do you want this job, Jack?" She looked him over, slowly. He wasn't what she had been expecting at all. He was tall, a little slender in that wiry way. Short sleeves showed off the muscles of his arms and she especially liked good biceps on a man. But, why would this guy want a job as her personal caretaker and sex pet?

He was quiet too. Just watching her right back, maybe thinking, maybe reconsidering this whole idea. Whatever idea had brought him this far.

"I need the money and this was the only job that sounded interesting. I don't see myself as the sales or customer service type." He smiled and showed off really nice, white teeth. …more

We're writers, we know the words, so why is it so tough to write a query letter? Why do we second guess every word on that page? Why do we agonize over the punctuation, the grammar and the spelling? Why do we "just die" when we realize a typo was missed in our proofreading of that all important query letter?

Because we are bundles of self conflicted maniacs. Geez... I thought you had that figured out by now. Anyway, I thought it was time I wrote something about query letters. We know how important they are, giving prospective editors and publishers (clients) that vital first impression. Plus, of course, the actual idea you're pitching them.

A query letter is a proposal, describing an article or book you would like to write for a particular publication or publisher. Queries should be kept short, a readable length, one page. A couple of paragraphs to sell the story, a line or two to actually ask for the sale and another paragraph to describe your qualifications.

If you get no reply after a month send a follow up letter. Of course, you kindly ask if they read your first query and remind them of the particulars. You know yourself how hard it is to catch up with an idea you brushed against a month ago. Keep that in mind as you write your follow up. Make a copy (or keep a copy) of your letter. You'll sound foolish if you finally hear from the editor only you don't remember what you queried about, exactly.

The basic elements of a query letter:

Start with something to catch their interest and make them read on. An anecdote, statistic or something you can enclose in the envelope along with the letter. Chances are you won't have anything to send other than your words but if you can come up with something more go for it.

In a paragraph or two explain your idea, why you want to write about it, why their publication would be interested in publishing your article. Gear your idea to the market you have chosen. Of course, you have already spent time picking out your target market. Make sure you also get the editor's name right (and spelling counts!) and the name of the publication. This would also be an important part of researching your market.

Draw them in with your special angle, slant or hook on the topic. It's likely true that everything has already been written about at least once. So you need something new to say about it or say the old stuff in a new way. Show them how your slant is new and interesting. Let them know if you can include photographs or other illustrations to go along with your article.

If you have clips (copies of previously published articles) offer to send them. Remember, you're selling yourself too. Add any other credentials that would help. Are you an expert in the field or have some related experience?

How many words will your planned article be? The editor will know how much space they can offer and you'll have to work with that. But, start by giving them an idea of what you plan, how much content you can provide. Tell the editor what format you will be using- plain text email, Word document, double spaced, etc. Maybe these seem trivial things at the beginning but to someone working on filling space and keeping a layout they matter and make life easier.

If your query isn't being emailed or faxed you need to send a SASE (self addressed, stamped envelope) for return mail. This is part courtesy and part hoping making a reply easier will make it happen sooner. We always have our wishful thinking, they can't take that away from us. Also, make sure the editor accepts email queries, some people still don't like or use email. Email queries should also have an email signature which sticks to the rules of email etiquette: not more than 4 lines or approximately 60 spaces wide. Please, don't send an email where your return address shows up as "CutsiePie69". Unless you're writing about online chat or some such thing you want to project a professional image. That means no smilies too.

In the end sell yourself and don't be too modest. What makes you the right writer for this job? How can you (especially) bring this story to life for their readers. Enclose your writer's resume if you have one and it seems relevant enough.

Don't forget the letter writing basics. Add your return address and the date to your letter. Start and finish your letter with salutations, something suitable, not too personal. Don't forget to proofread and proofread without using spellcheck on your computer. Be meticulous, even down right nitpicky, check your spelling, punctuation, grammar and the typo factor. Don't ever send a query letter you haven't checked more than a few times and don't ever write one when you're too tired (or just not in the mood) to check it as well as you know you need to.

"A publisher is simply a useful middle-man." Oscar Wilde.

Keeping things is a luxury. Think about it. You have to have space, usually space isn't free, not for any dependable length of time anyway. Then think about pioneer women who left all their keepables behind as they kept moving to the next space. Even when they found a space they held onto it was a luxury to keep anything they didn't need for survival. Keeping things is definitely a luxury.

We keep so much too. We even have a fancy word for it: keepsakes. Every time I hear or see that word I think about modern people having too much stuff and those old pioneers who had so little. It must have been very hard to part with Grandmother's china for the sake of getting the wagon load of supplies and family through the mud to the next town.

What do you keep that you could really get rid of? If you move this becomes a big focus of your packing experience. It's so easy to keep things, collect things but so much work to pack and move all those things. Do you really want to heft around a 30 pound box of Beanie Babies? How important do they feel when you have to weigh them against space in the moving truck, your own sore muscles and the fact that you'll have to give them space in your new place.

I keep things too. You're not alone in this keeping boat. But, at times I envy the vagabond, gypsy, nomadic lifestyle. Don't you think it would be nice to live simply? To have less to dust, less to care about and so much less to cart about, it sounds like a breath of fresh air compared to all those keepsakes weighing you down, taking all the air out of the room. Do you feel trapped?

But, we all want nice things. Cute things, things that might some day be worth more than you paid for them and things that will some day prove useful, it's just giving them space that bothers me. Space in your dwelling and space in your life. I think I need a little less luxury and I'm over due for a hefty Spring cleaning.

You know that secret fantasy, the one you'd never tell anyone... is it about being abducted, raped or otherwise forced to do things? How shocking to have a fantasy of being raped or kidnapped. You hussy, you!

A rape fantasy is just a way of giving up control and not being an accomplice to the things you really want to do. I'm not saying you want to be beaten, forced to have sex and so on. But, you may want to stop feeling a bit like a bad girl when you do want all those naughty sex things.

At least that's how I see it. When it's "against your will" you aren't letting it happen and you aren't making it happen. It's all happening to you. He's having his wicked way with you, you poor thing you.

The fantasy can be delicious. The reality would be horrible and we know that. But, what does one have to do with the other?

Could you plan your fantasy abduction? It would be more seduction than abduction. Or at least a good part seduction mixed in with the abduction.

Of course, you'd be looking great, wearing something hot and perhaps on the skimpy side. Your one conciliation is to dress for the part. From there on it's out of your hands.

Where are you? In a parking lot after being career goddess all day? In the shopping mall, grocery store or wherever he finally tracks you down?

Does he use drugs or just over power you? Does he tie you up or just cart you off quickly before anyone sets up a protest or gets in his way? Or maybe it was in an out of the way place and no one will even know you're gone for days and days, if ever?

Then comes the slobbering sex, we all know it. He rips off your clothes or you just wake up naked. His body takes control of your body and he takes what he wants. Maybe it's a space alien with weird alien body parts. Maybe it's a mad scientist with weird medical type tools. Or maybe it's a complete stranger, how weird is that?

But what happens after the great sex scene? Does your fantasy go that far? Mine don't, not really. My fantasy just runs for the time it takes me to have an orgasm. But, it would be interesting to know the aftermath. Does your fantasy abductor just say thanks and take you home? Does he offer marriage or some form of long term relationship?

What do you really want from your fantasy guy?

Say something in Pagan...

But Paganism is a religion, not a language.

Oh, well how do you worship?

Not all of us worship anything.

Well, then how is it a religion?

Because we say it is.

OK, then say something in Pagan.

Life is confusing, like being on a tilt a whirl long after you've been sick, lost all your pocket change and enjoyed as much of the ride as you ever wanted. It doesn't matter, it just keeps going. Being Pagan adds to the confusion and yet, if you learn to lean back and enjoy the ride, let some children pick up your change and clean yourself up, you can weather the ups and downs of the tilt a whirl.

I always think it's silly when someone calls another person Jewish, based on how they look, talk or who their family are. Being Jewish is a religion and in part a culture. But, it's not something you're born. You can be born Canadian, black, blue-eyed, and so on but you can not be born Jewish, Christian or Pagan. That is something you choose. Even if you grow up in a Jewish family you still make a choice to remain that way or change.

What's my point? I'm not perfectly sure, but I know it's out there, lurking somewhere among the talk of Xtians, funny hats, and traditional holidays. OK, I'll admit it, WE make what we are. You aren't Jewish because of your nose, you aren't Christian because you have a family bible and you aren't Pagan because you like nature. Although religions and culture go hand in hand and you can't really separate them, they don't force us into molds, we do that ourselves. Now and then we all need to stretch a bit, learn to speak Pagan, if that's who we are.

Originally posted to 'BackWash: Where the Wild Things Are' newsletter, May, 23, 2003.