I have temporarily (I think) deleted the blog which was going to be the zine for writers and publishers. I got fed up with just moderating spam and not doing anything else with it cause I’m just too busy. Plus, the damned thing was not accepting any of my logins, for some weird reason. So I punished it with death. Who says I’m sweet and nice all the time.. ;)

I have to rethink my business proposal. I heard back from Ruby today. I really don’t know what to do. I thought about it here for awhile. Then I drove out and bought some SkinnyCow to whimper into quietly while I thought some more. Then I washed the dishes and came upstairs back to the computer. I thought and cried and felt totally hopeless. How can I figure out how I fit in when I have NEVER in my life ever fit in? That was in essence what Ruby said. She’s right too, I know it.

I picked web design cause it was an easy label. Something I could do, where there were fairly set rules and expectations. I could do it. I wasn’t honestly wild about it. I do love the design and the possibilities but it’s something I would rather do for fun than on a schedule or to some other person’s needs/ wants/ plans. I’m not a good rule follower.

I don’t know where that leaves me. Ruby didn’t want to be discouraging and I told her (and John) that I’m not discouraged but I am. Tonight at least. I don’t know where I fit in. Sure I have some interesting skills and yes I under value everything myself. That doesn’t mean I’m going to change over night and become super woman, able to leap tall office furniture and eat bullets, while spinning china plates on top of my head.

So I’m here, thinking.

I know what I really want to do. I just don’t see how to make it practical or profitable for a business venture/ plan. I want to write that Internet zine. I want to talk about what I know about the Internet, web publishing, search engines, site navigation, blogging, ASCII art, and all of the rest rolled up into one big pile of duct tape. How do I make that a business? I don’t see it. I know there are a lot of people babbling about money making blogs but they do it by spamming and having affiliate links. I don’t want to spread the spam, promote the garbage or create more of it myself especially.

Somehow I have to find a niche where people need me, must have whatever it is I have to offer. I need to believe in myself too but lets not get carried away, I only have a week at the very most to revamp the proposal.

I was looking at the 9rules network tonight. It’s funny how many people get in with something like that and then disappear. No commitment to sticking around I guess. I have been with BackWash since 2001, even though I took a year off and just came back. That is still 3 plus years of posting each week, seldom missing a week at any time during those years.

Where do I fit in? Don’t answer that. I’m just talking to myself. I don’t expect an answer from god or anyone else. :)

Slackers, Monsters and Anal Clones

I like my screen resolution but apparently it’s bigger than most or the standard at least. So everything in my blog appears great to me but not so great to those working in standard mode. I will make template changes to adjust for that. Sometime this week maybe.

Other news… well not a lot really. I miss John even though we haven’t managed to meet yet. I do the girl thing and think about the future, the ring, the life together. I skip the whole wedding and dating part. That’s the boring stuff. Even while I’m spinning my little daydreams I know how stupid it really is to think about any of it. For all I know he will see me and run screaming in the other direction. I am not quite Miss World. I know I’m not unattractive, but at times the flaws seem to hang over the good parts like a starving monster with very sharp, pointy (and dirty and crooked) teeth. I can feel a drop of monster slobber run down my back.

I should be writing today. Instead I am poking around not accomplishing a lot. I really wish I could be one of those disciplined, organized, ever so dutiful, perfect, normal, battery operated people. Sometimes. If I had a switch I could turn on and off that would be just great. Although, I have a feeling the anal.. I mean worker bee version of me might get the idea of breaking the switch so she could keep full control all the time. What a bitch. Inside, where the real me would be, I’d be telling her she’s no fun, has no creative spark and really what does any of her work matter. Who cares if the bed gets made every day, really? Are you going to preserve it, put plastic over it to keep it precisely perfect forever. Where will you sleep anal clone woman?

Anyway, none of that is really happening. I am still me, the slacker with too many great ideas.

I am (or give the impression of being) on the romantic and sentimental side. Maybe I am but, people tend to give me figurines, trinkets and such which they think I will like. I usually don’t like them and wish I didn’t have to find space for them, move them around with me (I move a lot) and feel obligated towards them. When someone gets you something like that it is something they thought was to be treasured and likely would have liked themselves. So you can’t just easily get rid of it. I have a lot of these little breakable treasures and as lovely as they are I wish I did not have them.

What I really would like are practical things. Or something impractical like a paid weekend at a fancy hotel. I could throw together some stuff and spend the weekend downtown where ever, that would be great. Or software, books, gift certificates for bookstores are good too. But, I do understand that people want to find a special gift, something that is to be treasured. Most people think I will treasure something delicate. I would prefer something that won’t break.

Although I make an exception for those bone china posy bowls. I have been collecting those since I got one from my Aunt who is now deceased. I would love to get one of those for Valentines day. Not looking too likely at this point though. Too many things are getting in the way of what could have been my first ever real Valentines Day. How annoying!