No luck with the hunt for male flesh online so far. But, I've only had the time to try twice, so far.

I suspect years of being online have made me particular and harder to please than when I was starting out in my adventures. Still, how hard can it be to find one decent submissive male?

Here is my unofficial list of qualifications:

1. Must be male. That's a given but it doesn't hurt to specify.

2. Must be literate, capable of good spelling, grammar and punctuation.

3. Must be close to my own age. No kids or dirty old men.

4. Should not be a newbie to male submission. I'm not looking for someone to train! I've already done my good deed for the year.

5. Must not be one of those horny, wimpy type of submissives, that really doesn't do anything for me. What fun is there if he really wants you to torment him?

Well, that's the basic list. I don't ask for pictures (pics) cause I really don't care. I don't want to see them and I don't need to see them. Instead, I prefer to design them in my own mind, myself. The basics of height, hair colour and etc. are fine as they can all be added as details to flesh out the story.

That's what I really want him for you see. I don't want some cyber affair, I want inspiration for writing another Domme erotic series of stories. I guess I'll never find another Chris. But, one can always hope.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Wednesday February 26, 2003  

Originally I had written something which ended up as an angry rant against men in general. I read it back over and I wondered, why am I so angry? Even to myself it seemed too angry over issues that have been around since cave men and dinosaurs. Some things will not change.

Anyway, the issue I was writing about was not worth the energy and passion I had put into my rant about it. So I took a break and went downstairs to make coffee. I concluded that I'm not really angry at men. I'm angry because there is a stereotypical ideal which is built up in most women and one that no man can really live up to. Yet, we are taught to expect to find this stereotypical hero/ lover. In short, the perfect man. No human man is likely to ever be so perfect as the hero/ lover we read about in steamy romance novels, see on soap operas, daydream about in magazines, and so on. It's hard to let go of that illusion and the need for that perfect man in our lives.

Just imagine having that shining hero in chain mail and riding a white horse coming to your rescue, treating you like a lady (all the time) and making you feel so special and treasured, always knowing when you need to be taken care of and always being there to do it. Put the shoe on the other foot. Could you be that for someone else? Not likely, it's too much self sacrifice, too much intuition and too much to ask of anyone.

But, that doesn't change the fact that I've grown up looking for that man. I remember being in high school, reading those romance novels the other girls were reading. Always thinking how much better my life would be if I had a 30 year old man to love me, solve the problems, stick up for me, always be on my side and of course love me, cover me with affection while encouraging me to become the best me I could be. Don't laugh, I bet there are high school girls and grown women too who still hold on to that ideal. I admit I've got a firm grip on at least a corner of it myself.

But, that's fantasy. A pleasant, warm fuzzy fantasy that isn't going to happen. But, having to give up that fantasy hero/ lover isn't easy. It could make some women pretty angry at men. Myself, I'm going to work on forgiving them for not living up to all my expectations of perfection.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Tuesday February 04, 2003  

I have a secret fetish. My fetish stimulates my mind, whatever brain cells make me feel "in the mood". If sex is all in your head then I'm taking a lot of interesting trips.

Does that sound weird to you? Good. A good fetish should sound weird to someone, that's what makes it unique and individual. What's your fetish? Would you even tell, the genuine, real answer not just the one you feel safe giving.

BDSM is considered a fetish. But, I disagree with that. To me a fetish is something on a smaller scale or something very narrowed down. Such as my figure skater with long hair. BDSM includes many smaller scale ideas which could be called fetishes. As a whole I'd pin it to a theory of sexual play. Not a lifestyle or a religion as some seem to feel. I never want to live as if BDSM was the focus or the core of my life. Also, I never want to make sex into a religion. I just can't take it that seriously for one thing.

Now and then I read about other couples or groups, who have made BDSM into a lifestyle, something they do 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. I have to wonder how they fit having a life into their lives. Would you really want to be that much in command or that subservient all the time? I couldn't stand it. I wouldn't want to always be the one making the footsteps or the one always following in them. How could you be your own person? I think we all need freedom from our roles in order to grow. If you stop growing you're in a rut.

Anyway, fetishes are very interesting. There are an endless variety. I've come to think there is a fetish for anything you can come up with. Likely someone in the world has a fetish for eating horse hair and someone else just goes wild thinking of cans of soup and yet another has a fetish for rubbing the pages of a book over their body. Where does it end? Likely that's some kind of fetish too.

What do you do with Pagan kids?

I think kids are too young to get started on the more serious side of being Pagan. Partly because they are too uninformed to make the decision to be Pagan versus something else. Also, calling themselves Pagan could become a problem with other members of the family or kids/ teachers at school. Most people don't understand Paganism and thus they don't trust it. Kids are a bit too defenseless in that situation.

That doesn't mean kids can't be Pagan too. Calling yourself Pagan is not being Pagan. What is being Pagan about, at it's heart? To me it's nature, the Earth, life, history, science, traditions and environmentalism. Is there any reason kids can't be involved in those things, of course not. Kids just love to talk about the supernatural too, few kids don't enough the spooky element of Halloween. You can add the facts about ghosts, Witches and such to their ghost stories.

Teach kids to appreciate nature, take them on walks outdoors, show them how to recycle and make it a priority to learn about history and science. Involve them in your rituals. Take them on a nature walk to gather leaves, stones, etc. Let them know what your altar is for, don't make it a big mystery, but don't make it sound too "weird" either. Get them started writing a journal, they don't have to know it's a Book of Shadows. Spend time with them, that's the most important thing for any kids, Pagan or otherwise. Remember, they learn from you. What you do is what they see and what they believe.

You can introduce kids to the Wiccan Rede, the basic ideas behind Paganism and what you believe about Gods, Goddesses, life and death. But, make sure they understand not everyone shares your same beliefs. For one thing you want them to make their own decision about being Pagan. For another you don't want them to be confused when they discover people who disagree with Pagan ideas.

Kids haven't lived enough to have a deeper understanding and they don't know how to protect themselves from those who think Pagans are evil, devil worshipping types. That's the main reason I think I would just let kids see the heart of Paganism and introduce them to the body later. Likely, they will have had a life of living like a Pagan and it will be a very smooth transition to become Pagan officially.

Originally posted to 'BackWash: Where the Wild Things Are' newsletter, February, 20, 2003.

Someone told me that the front page of my personal site is just a webring page. I was really peeved! I've worked hard to make that a nice entrance way. It still seems kind of unprofessional and "needs improvement" but it's so much better than my first few versions. I'm getting the hang of tables. Sometimes I even understand why they suddenly warp and flop around like fish out of water. Only sometimes.

Anyway, I took a few dozen second looks at my site and I realized that she may have ignored all my graphics and the bit of introduction and just decided that my front page was for webrings and an index to the rest of the site. I guess graphics aren't enough. They are pretty pictures but they are also discounted as far as meaty content.

So, I am trying to think of something more to do with some of that front page real estate. You are welcome to take a look and offer suggestions. http://www.thatgrrl.com/

I don't want to do any of the standard home page things like an introduction or a biography. Why put site visitors to sleep before they have even begun to look around? Once you read a few biographies they all start sounding the same.

I need something unique and startlingly new. Something that will have people talking about my amazing feats of front page technique for as long as the Internet still clicks. The problem is, I have no ideas, so far.

Isn't it interesting how much time we put into catching people's attention? Is it entertainment or information? That is the first thing I need to decide. I'm leaning away from entertainment. But, once I get that figured out all the other decisions will be much easier.

I'll let you know how it goes. Keep in mind, all my website tampering takes place over months, not weeks. In other words, don't hold your breath, it could be hazardous to your health.

PS - It's amazing. My typing must be getting much much better. In all of this blabberation I had just one typo when I ran it through spellcheck. Damn I'm good!