Blind to Others

Sometimes I think I don’t care enough and then I think I care too much. But, I’m starting to wonder if it’s not either one. Maybe it’s not about caring at all but about how much you notice the effects of your actions. If you can go along and not notice the reactions, the hurt feelings, the frustration and such which your actions cause then you just along thinking everything is fine. No consequences to your actions.

I’m not like that. I think about hurt feelings too much. My sister decided this wasn’t a good weekend for me to come out to see the kids. Zack has a lot of homework to catch up on. That’s fine. But now I feel bad cause I feel I’m disappointing him. I said I would come out, but did say I would check with my sister (his Mother). Still, I feel bad about the whole thing. I’m going out next weekend (she needs a babysitter) so it’s not a total let down.

How do other people let people down and not even notice? I’ve had people arrange to meet me and I make sure I’m there. They never show up, not even a phone call. Just like meeting someone who asks for your phone number and then never calls. I don’t get that. If I asked for a number I’d call. If I didn’t want to call I would not ask for a number or arrange to meet. I try not to get pushed into making any commitments unless I am sure about keeping them.

I know people who routinely make commitments and don’t follow through on them. They don’t even seem to notice the frustration and disappointment they cause. I don’t think that means they care too little. I think it just means that somehow they don’t even notice. I need some of that. I need to notice or think about it all less.

Of course I also blame myself for everything. Grew up that way. Thanks Dad. When does all that finally go away? How old do you have to be? In the back of my brain I still hear “No one will ever want you”. No matter how old I get, how I grow and change and feel ok about myself. I think it just never is enough. On some level I never get close to anyone. I can be close to people, I can listen and give advice. But, I don’t say too much about what I really think or feel about myself. I only write about it.

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