The Random Babble of the Babbling Queen

Saturday is going to be busy in the afternoon. I plan to leave here a bit early so I can take my time walking up to Queen Street. I’m still not finding it an easy walk. Another week and I should be used to it. I’m meeting Paul at a Starbuck’s in the afternoon. We will see how that goes.

After that I told my Mom and Zack that I would go out to Newmarket for the weekend. I had planned to go on Sunday but, there is more trouble for Zack at home. Grandma is worried (me too) and Zack is upset. Both parents are seldom home and don’t seem to understand how that is upsetting for kids. The little girls are always crying and whiny but maybe it’s because they have no parents around. Just the odd time in between them going out for this and that. Wayne has gotten into a bad thing with his work. He puts in an eight hour day and is then on call all night long. Often he only sleeps a few hours and this is not just weekends or every other week. It’s every day, every week. Sarah runs her place and then plays tennis and etc. She complains about his hours but hers are not much different. Neither is home and they have three children. There is a nanny but that isn’t the same as a parent. What messed up people are they creating out of this mess they are making. Not much anyone can do. They won’t change, just for the worse it seems. Having a nanny just makes it easier for both of them to not be around and not that’s a problem.

Anyway, that is going to be my weekend. A date and then a long bus trip out to Newmarket. I think I am going to go to Alliston and pick up some more things. I would like to have all my Christmas decorations and the tree before the house gets sold or closed up or rented or whatever they end up doing with it now. I know Graham is planning their trip down to Florida for before the end of this month. That will be interesting as far as the Beach apartment too. Still no washer and dryer hooked up. The tenants upstairs are even farther behind in their rent. At least they finally cleaned up the cat toilet which was right by my ‘front’ door.

Do I sound bitchy? Too bloody bad. 😛

I do have a headache tonight. Thinking too much about stuff that I can’t do much about. Not thinking enough about myself and whatever I’m going to do down here. I don’t like it. I don’t like having no outside, no windows to see the sky. When I go out it all feels so small and pressed in, slightly claustrophic. If I don’t get myself out of here for a few days in a row I begin to feel agoraphobic. I’m not going crazy but I really don’t see how I will ever belong or fit in down here. I’ve never wanted to be a country girl, I would never call myself that. But, I’m not a city dweller either. I’m not that slick, stylish wine drinking career type. I’m just suburban and even that is disappearing. I’ve driven out to Scarborough where I grew up. It is pretty much gone, until you get way out there. It feels dangerous now, in a way it never did and in a way the city itself doesn’t even. It’s odd to be in Scarborough where I used to be a 12 year old kid traveling anywhere I wanted, alone. It’s not like that now.

I don’t feel afraid of the city the way other people who live in the country are intimidated and think there are murders and robberies and etc every day. Mostly everywhere I go I just think people are people. Some of them are drips, some are dorks, most are just somewhere in the middle. Everyone is far more concerned about themselves than they are about how they think about me. So I try to put that out of my mind. Not that I get rid of it. I’m still a size plus in a world of size cute. I won’t stretch it to say size fit or size slender. I was downtown and not all those women (or men) were stick figures. I was glad to see some women a nice size with a bit of boobage and butt, maybe even a little belly. Often it seems the younger ones have those curves and when they get older they become hard and firm angles working all the soft edges off.

So, it’s late enough for me to get to bed now. Maybe reading awhile will make my brain let go and the headache will vanish.

I wrote a pretty good short story today. It wasn’t especially adult but I needed something for one of the adult things so I posted it there. A bit of a sappy story but the writing was pretty good. I didn’t start it with any plan and my ending wasn’t hugely original. I wonder if I ever do learn to plot and plan a story how it would work out. I have tried that. It just never gets me very far. The stories I finish are the ones I write all in one shot. If I don’t finish them that way they just sit half done and gather dust bunnies, or whatever gathers on computer files.

Night night.

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